Monday, October 22, 2007


I'm afraid I'm getting scared of failure. And not in a good way. I guess being scared of failure can be good...obviously, in many prospectives. For example, being scared of failing can push one to work extremely hard, to have to never experience it. On the other hand, more or less in my case, I feel as though I am at risk of failing, and its holding me back from doing things that I can do. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing great at school. I've walked by the newspaper stand since Thursday, and oddly I've gotten used to seeing my article on the front page. It's very weird, but in that way I feel successful. A year from today I would have never thought anything I wrote would be on the first page of anything. I had four articles in the University's paper last week (which only runs twice a week), two on the front page. That's good. I'm proud of my work. But oddly, I feel like future things I want to do like applying for internships using my clips, transferring schools will not come through. I guess I need to back up some...

I've had failures in my past 4 years. Not even ten occurences, maybe less than eight. They included things with high school, applying to college(s), relationships, friendships, personal goals and other things that normal people encounter. Each of these things ^...I could tell a story about. The part where I failed, or didn't achieve what I wanted, hurt bad. Really bad. Some of these failures , I live with my everyday, and my surroundings are a constant reminder of a choice or decision I should have made. I'm really scared that despite all the positive things that are happening around me, one more failure or bad thing will just make me plummet. So in this sense, my failure is holding me back. I'm supposed to be studying for a test now, but I can't focus because my mind is wondering everywhere else.

Often I feel so inspired, and feel so capable and confident but then I feel like I'm scared of doing good, great, and wonderful...then failing. But I guess I should just remember, college (or life) is learning how to fail.

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead"

phil 3:13

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