Wednesday, January 14, 2009

shake that weight off, and you'll be ready to fly

i feel like this may be a rant but..

this is my blog right? right.

I'm feeling really fragile today. it's been a lot going on around me in the past few months. not so much of bad things, but decisions i've made, decisions i'm going to have to make soon and some complicated things involving my friends and my family. Many people expect many things from me and the beginning of the semester always brings pressure (to me, at least).In the past few months I've forever changed my views on many things!

years ago, people were so attracted to my positive energy. I really wore my heart on my sleeve! I was in a happy relationship,  and I didn't have any worries, I was also a hardcore cheerleader lol I guess you could say I was young (but smart!!!), which isn't really a bad thing. My best friend's mom always use to say "...that is one happy child." I would make my best friend see the tiniest bit of positive in the worst situation.

But as you grow up, things change and I began to realize some people only have their best interest in mine, and a lot of people i've encountered don't value the same things I, respect, loyalty, a certain amount of selflessness and a caring heart. I think after a while, I  saw the same thing in many people and started keeping many things to myself because I realized alot of people just dont care!! Lol it's crazy when you think about it. Sometimes I look around and wonder where everybody is?!?! With 6 billion people in the world, sometimes all you need is one.

Regardless, I feel like at this point in my life more than ever, I have to change my attitude and the way i look at alot of things. Lately, I'll be the first to admit I have been kinda down and out about the things going on around me.  I don't think anyone notices...most of the time I put on my strong face and roll with the punches. I was really bummed to come back to school, I didn't want to leave home...literally, and just the familiarity surrounded by being in a place I know. I've never really gotten comfortable at my college....that's a different conversation.

Anyways...I'm not one to make resolutions for the new year, it is a major marking period so of course everyone has some type of goal. I told myself this year I would be my first priority! But, it really is hard when I'm use to caring for everyone else (although my friend recently alerted me i have quite selfish tendencies lol).

There is no book to life, to dating, to friends or to school. But I'm guilty of "well..she can call me" "i called him last time so he can call me" "i know they are busy, so I dont want to stop by" yeyayeay life is too short, and alot of us have too much pride. I don't know where my life is one does. I'm the first one to tell someone life is too short..but sometimes I just lay in bed and think about the things that aren't going right and what i should have done in the past. Why I didn't see things coming...whatever.

so today...and in the next few weeks, months and years I hope I can go back to practicing what I preach. Being positive in every way. Praying even more and giving everything to God. Remembering people do things because of them, not because of me!! At one point, I use to be soo excited about everything, I use to feel the energy from everything around me. I have to get back there! I've been looking for a hobby to have time to myself to relax and let my spirit breath! Maybe I'll go to the indoor pool on campus! i love to swim.

okay. i think this is enough and i feel a little better.

"kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
didn't even wanna admit it to yourself
and now your chest burns and your back aches
from 15 years of holding the pain
And now you only have yourself to blame
if you continue to live this way..."


niki.mac said...

I understand this completely..... sometimes it IS a struggle to be happy... but you always have the power to win!

Remember that although you are human, just like everybody else on this earth, you also have limitless power in the God that's within you!

And most of all... keep it simple. When you feel overwhelmed with thoughts/worries/emotion... stop and push everything out of your mind except for what you are experiencing at that very moment.

When I do this, I break it down to my 5 senses first. Pause and then think about what I'm grateful for.

By the time I've gone through all of this in my mind, the clarity I gained from it makes the anxiety go away (for at least a while) and faith replaces it.

You and I will be more than fine! I love you sister!!

Jess said...

Wow. its always interesting the messages one comes across when blog-browsing, but interestingly enough I had a similar revelation not too long ago. We can tend to get so wrapped up in ourselves and our own feelings that it becomes inconceivable that someone else could possibly understand what we're going through so we remain silent, living in our heads, and everyone floats along listlessly and disconnected. When in actuality someone needs to hear our words, someone can benefit from our revelations, and find comfort in our commonalities. Keep Writing, I enjoyed reading!

karrie b. said...

you are SOOOOO very wise beyond your years babydoll. i myself tend to try to find the positive in every situation for everyone but myself. that, ive got to stop. anyway, good luck with school's temporary. if you had everything you wanted, the way you wanted it, would you appreciate it? would you even know what it was?