shake that weight off, and you'll be ready to fly

i feel like this may be a rant but..

this is my blog right? right.

I'm feeling really fragile today. it's been a lot going on around me in the past few months. not so much of bad things, but decisions i've made, decisions i'm going to have to make soon and some complicated things involving my friends and my family. Many people expect many things from me and the beginning of the semester always brings pressure (to me, at least).In the past few months I've forever changed my views on many things!

years ago, people were so attracted to my positive energy. I really wore my heart on my sleeve! I was in a happy relationship,  and I didn't have any worries, I was also a hardcore cheerleader lol I guess you could say I was young (but smart!!!), which isn't really a bad thing. My best friend's mom always use to say "...that is one happy child." I would make my best friend see the tiniest bit of positive in the worst situation.

But as you grow up, things change and I began to realize some people only have their best interest in mine, and a lot of people i've encountered don't value the same things I do...love, respect, loyalty, a certain amount of selflessness and a caring heart. I think after a while, I  saw the same thing in many people and started keeping many things to myself because I realized alot of people just dont care!! Lol it's crazy when you think about it. Sometimes I look around and wonder where everybody is?!?! With 6 billion people in the world, sometimes all you need is one.

Regardless, I feel like at this point in my life more than ever, I have to change my attitude and the way i look at alot of things. Lately, I'll be the first to admit I have been kinda down and out about the things going on around me.  I don't think anyone notices...most of the time I put on my strong face and roll with the punches. I was really bummed to come back to school, I didn't want to leave home...literally, and just the familiarity surrounded by being in a place I know. I've never really gotten comfortable at my college....that's a different conversation.

Anyways...I'm not one to make resolutions for the new year, it is a major marking period so of course everyone has some type of goal. I told myself this year I would be my first priority! But, it really is hard when I'm use to caring for everyone else (although my friend recently alerted me i have quite selfish tendencies lol).

There is no book to life, to dating, to friends or to school. But I'm guilty of "well..she can call me" "i called him last time so he can call me" "i know they are busy, so I dont want to stop by" yeyayeay life is too short, and alot of us have too much pride. I don't know where my life is going...no one does. I'm the first one to tell someone life is too short..but sometimes I just lay in bed and think about the things that aren't going right and what i should have done in the past. Why I didn't see things coming...whatever.

so today...and in the next few weeks, months and years I hope I can go back to practicing what I preach. Being positive in every way. Praying even more and giving everything to God. Remembering people do things because of them, not because of me!! At one point, I use to be soo excited about everything, I use to feel the energy from everything around me. I have to get back there! I've been looking for a hobby to have time to myself to relax and let my spirit breath! Maybe I'll go to the indoor pool on campus! i love to swim.

okay. i think this is enough and i feel a little better.

"kept it inside, didn't tell no one else

didn't even wanna admit it to yourself

and now your chest burns and your back aches

from 15 years of holding the pain

And now you only have yourself to blame

if you continue to live this way..."

getittogetherindia.arie

penny candy

I can't complain about much. Christmas was delightful, and I'm still having fun. One of my best friends is in town from Florida, it's so crazy how fast time flies....she moved to Florida when we were in 9th grade and now we are in our second years of college :O. Enjoy it. And live it abundantly...I don't know who hasn't seen Seven Pounds by now, i saw it twice in like two days.

It's 72 degrees today in Raleigh. I love North Carolina.

Last night, I went out with my bestfriends. I love them. The party was ...okay, I didn't feel well and the aroma of fresh sweat, herbal remedies and alcohol didn't settle well with my condition. I spent most of the time outside in my car/looking for a safe bathroom (to tinkle)/ writing never-to-be sent letters to lost loves on my BB/listening to my bff fuss out her boyfriend/and whatever.

Two of my friends stayed at my place and we finished the night up with 3 AM post-drunken girl talk...the joys of college, our fabulous Sisterhood, finally checking out of the heartbreak hotel and many days to come. I have two more weeks home, and I'm gonna enjoy it.

after i take a nap.

less than 24 hours

so happy for this sh*t to be over with....

"According to Snopes.com, Princeton was requested to put a 'restriction' on distribution of any copies of the thesis of Michelle Obama (a/k/a/ Michelle laVaughn Robinson) saying it could not be made available until November 5, 2008 but when it was published on a political website they decided they would lift the restriction.
In her senior thesis at Princeton , Michele Obama, the wife of Barack Obama stated that America was a nation founded on 'crime and hatred'.
Moreover, she stated that whites in America were 'ineradicably racist'. The 1985 thesis, titled 'Princeton-Educated Blacks and the Black Community' was written under her maiden name, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson.
Michelle Obama stated in her thesis that to 'Whites at Princeton , it often seems as if, to them, she will always be Black first...' However, it was reported by a fellow black classmate, 'If those 'Whites at Princeton ' really saw Michelle as one who always would 'be Black first,' it seems that she gave them that impression'.
Most alarming is Michele Obama's use of the terms 'separationist' and 'integrationist' when describing the views of black people.
Mrs. Obama clearly identifies herself with a 'separationist' view of race. 'By actually working with the Black lower class or within their communities as a result of their ideologies, a separationist may better understand the desperation of their situation and feel more hopeless about a resolution as opposed to an integrationist who is ignorant to their plight.'
Obama writes that the path she chose by attending Princeton would likely lead toher 'further integration and/or assimilation into a white cultural and social structurethat will only allow me to remain on the periphery of society; never becoming a fullparticipant.'
Michele Obama clearly has a chip on her shoulder.
Not only does she see separate black and white societies in America , but she elevates black over white in her world.
Here is another passage that is uncomfortable and ominous in meaning:
'There was no doubt in my mind that as a member of the black community, I am obligated to this community and will utilize all of my present and future resources to benefit the blackcommunity first and foremost.'
What is Michelle Obama planning to do with her future resources if she's first lady that will elevate black over white in America ?
The following passage appears to be a call to arms for affirmative action policies that could be the hallmark of an Obama administration. 'Predominately white universities like Princeton are socially and academically designed to cater to the needs of the white students comprising the bulk of their enrollments.'
The conclusion of her thesis is alarming.
Michelle Obama's poll of black alumni concludes that other black students at Princeton do not share her obsession with blackness. But rather than celebrate, she is horrified that black alumni identify with our common American culture more than they value the color of their skin. 'I hoped that these findings would help me conclude that despite the high degree of identification with whites as a result of the educational and occupational path that black Princeton alumni follow, the alumni would still maintain a certain level of identification with the black community. However, these findings do not support this possibility.'
Is it no wonder that most black alumni ignored her racist questionnaire? Only 89 students responded out of 400 who were asked for input. Michelle Obama does not look into a crowd of Obama supporters and see Americans. She sees black people and white people eternally conflicted with one another.
The thesis provides a trove of Mrs. Obama's thoughts and world view seen through a race-based prism. This is a very divisive view for a potential first lady that would do untold damage to race relations in this country in a Barack Obama administration.
Michelle Obama's intellectually refined racism should give all Americans pause for deep concern.
Now maybe she's changed, but she sure sounds like someone with an axe to grind with America . Will the press let Michelle get a free pass over her obviously racist comment about American whites? I am sure that it will.

p.s. we paid for her scholarship "

i know people die everyday, but did anyone else's heart break when they heard Obama's grandmother died this morning? it makes you realize everyday is a milestone

we'll see how tomorrow unfolds...

pics from the obama rally at my school this evening and my time in kansas city coming soon...

tell Frank i said hi

Frank, the author and creator of Post Secret is going to be at East Carolina University tonight! I want to go sooo bad, but ECU is 4 hours away from me here at school! He was only an hour away at Wake Forest University last week but I was super busy. Post Secret is an anonymous community where people send in their most craziest/sadest/funniest/raunchiest secrets on regular index cards. Frank posts every Sunday. I always wake up Sunday morning and check www.postsecret.com first! You may have seen me post some of the post cards on my blog before...if you are in the area, please go for me!

I picked out of a few of my favorites! These people definitely have their own stories behind them..but I thought they stood out to me. I keep saying I'm going to send my own postcard in..

i check my mail everday in hopes of getting mail too. i did get a fabulous refund check today tho :)

ugh. so true.

you know it.

you know where i am.


;)



Brad Pitt is delish...but you can keep the HPV. But damn, look at that body :-O

hotel rooms always freak me out.

i can relate! food is so freaking expensive. ...i don't cry tho, i gotta eat.






we gotta do something...yes, we can. obama. oh eight.


it's 69 degrees and rainy here in charlotte but...always got remember:

see u next time.

my turn.

ten random things about me:
1. When I'm really concentrating on something or really busy, I roll my tongue like crazy. If you see my lips pursed or my half my mouth sucked in, I'm probably at work.
2. On the nights I don't go out during the week, I go to bed at 10:30. I have to sleep.
3. Unlike KarrieB, I'm horrible at taking compliments! I always respond with..." I'm tryna be like you!" or.."Really? Your dress is gorgeous too."
4. I swear on Proactiv.
5. To avoid thinking about something I shouldn't or don't want to think about, I say "not helpful" in my mind.
6. I get headaches really really easily! Strong perfumes, too much caffeine, bright lights, hunger...etc.
7. I have oddly accurate concept of time. I can wake up to the minute. Never use an an alarm clock at school.
8. My birthmark is eerily similar to the shape of the continents of Africa and Asia!! lol
9. I hide the food I buy from my family in my sis' old bedroom or hard to reach places in the freezer! That and my (small) stash of liq.
10. As much as I pick on my sister's' granny panties...I rather wear Vickie's bikini's any day than a thong as of late.

nine ways to win my heart
1. "just what i need you to do --stroke my hair"
2. don't jolt when you find out i pick my nose
3. pure sugah...no artificial sweetners here.
4. good morning texin messages
5. read me without words
6. tip toe with me to the sun
7. be knowledgeable of global/local issues! watch the news with me
8. tell me something(s) i don't know...which may be hard to do with me :)
9. listen.

8 thing I'd like to do before I die
1. live in london/paris for a least a year! not forever because my best friend/family will be too far
2. have an executive position at a condenast publication!
3. be able to go to every concert i wanna see
4. make some babies with my beautiful husband
5. (stay) fly like paper get high like planes
6. see my sister get married! and have babies too.
7. go to a live taping of the oprah winfrey show
8. love my bestfriends/kiddies/shawtyboo/family 'til it hurts.

seven ways to annoy me
1. act like you've read the encyclopedia of the world front and back
2. believe you're better than someone!!!
3. not do what you say you'll do.
4. not say "thank you."
5. to ask me something i just told you
6. acting stupid because it's cute...to you
7. send me forwarded text messages!!!!!

six things i believe in:
1. making traditions ex. neighborhood fireworks on july 3rd, midnight waffle house, cookout after the club!!
2. what goes around comes right back to youuuuuu
3. naps
4. Jesus
5. the laws of attraction/the secret
6. the black tax

five things I'm afraid of:
1. really growing up
2. seeing bugs before i go to bed
3. getting another speeding ticket
4. my heart & mind not agreeing
5. not seeing my sister for 4 months!

4 of my favorite things
1. nice weather
2. my ipod/blackberry (they count as one right?! they are always in reach)
3. my bed
4. my favorite pajamas

3 things i do everyday
1. pray!
2. check my email
3. watch world news with charles gibson

2 things i wanna do right now:
1. eat some mexican food! i've been starved because my heartburn is soo bad
2. go outside

one person i wanna see right now
1. jilly from philly

adrianne's thoughts on the week

Work --> D+
crazy busy. I work in the financial aid office of a community college where people usually can't afford to foot the bill of the classes. Everyone who comes in now is LATE for fall and today we did a major purging of fall registrations. You can only imagine. It's 8:30 then 5. Going to work in the morning actually....

CNN's Black in America --> C-
Didn't get me thinking much. I thought the first night was mostly story telling that didn't catch my attention...me and my sis and friends ended up laughing at completely random irrevelant things. And the host's disgustingly too big jeans. 2nd nights continued show of horrid statitics of black men just made me sad. I really want Spike Lee's specs tho!!!

$4 Tuesdays --> F
Didn't happen. Had a boring conference call for an event at school in the next month or so. Plus I'm trying to save my last few dolla dolla bills until I get paid next week! Cha chinnggggggg

Time --> D-
Moving entirely too fast. My farewell tour is about to kick-off soon. Make sure you book your appointment early. There are people I really do love that I still haven't seen this summer! Yikes. If that's you...please charge it to my head, not to my heart. Then call me. My sister is leaving soon for a long time, which makes me sad. E-mails from school are getting cranked up already. The possibility of me having surgery before school starts is becoming apparent too :O

Girlfriends/boosboopiecesshawtyboomissyous --> C+
Beach next week!!! Finally with my girlfriends, we all haven't hung out together in months! On the other side..encountered a little heartache this week, and my supposed alternative "date" tonight had a lame ass excuse. For the 4839054th time ..."you gotta do right by me, it's mandatory." snip snip.

Ryan --> C
No new news on Ryan, she is still in ICU. However,...my family greatly appreciates the prayers!!!

Did you see my twitter up top on the right?!?! I added it so I won't feel so bad when I don't blog often :)

some dreams stay dreams,some dreams come true

added a few things to my vision board this weekend...

mind if i share?

one step to making my dream --> reality

spring 2009: kingston university, uk
i'm a journalism major. i need it.

gotta get back here. soon.



my baby.

gots to.

only necessary.

can't share everything with you but..just look forward to seeing it all come true.

what's on your vision board?

anybody home?

i have heartburn

and not the kind that Nexi(um) can fix.

do you ever get in those moods when you just throw yourself a pity party?

that's me this afternoon. idk why.

sometimes I believe the best things in life are free...sunshine, midnight stars/moon, frienship!, love, sex!!!, beautifulness

but then I realize...maybe money can buy you happiness??

don't for a minute change the place you're in

i realize i wish my blackberry had a camera on it.

i see see some crazy sh*t now and then and I'd like to document it.

O well. New phone hopefully coming soon...once payday arrives in 10 days! yesss. first paycheck allll summer. anxiously awaiting and anticipating and thinking of ways to spend the chedda...

I had good week at work. I guess. Took hump day off..enjoyed it, but didn't like when I got back to work Thursday and there was a pile of things waiting for my arrival. No one can really open the mail but me?!?!?! It took me at least an hour to do the day befores work. Makes me have second thoughts about taking days off, sadly.

I miss my best friend. I miss lots of things...sometimes growing older stinks! I just wanna stop this train like JohnnyBoy sometimes. Pause time.

honestly, we'll never stop this train.

9.5 weeks is better than 12 steps

I told my parents I was going to church this morning. Instead, I went to Barnes and Noble and had a delicious, past-due lunch at Panera Bread. It was yummy.

And fun. I could have told my parents I was going to these other places but..I just didn't. I only felt bad when I had to lie when my mom asked, "Did they recognize the dad's at church today?" and "Was church packed?" O well. Forgive me Jesus.

I left the house accidentally without my watch, but I think they actually helped. I got to B&N and picked up this month's Glamour, and a copy of A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. Glamour is my favvvv magazine, and I heard A New Earth was supposed to be life changing. The first page wasn't really speaking to me, personally. Thursday's Oprah was pretty good, about positive thinking and sh*t, so I figured I should read this book that everyone's been reading, including my sis. I do believe in the Secret, but my earth is good for right now. Not ready for a new one yet. I have been going back to my positive thinking and I finally pulled my vision board out the box its been packed up in since I moved back home. I put it on the wall adjacent to my bed.

Friday night I spent the night with an old friend, I don't know if that's the proper name for my ex-boyfriend of almost 3 years. Anyways, the night was interesting. Spent a long time, possibly too much time recounting the days of being young and foolish, which we both realized were yet to be over, as we continued to act even more young and foolish. I did good, I have a problem running off at the mouth when it comes to my heart, but I tried my best to keep most of what i had to say (that shouldn't be said) to myself. We agreed I have a big heart, I've known but never really thought about it, which is for better...and for worse. Fun times though. Trying to remember it's summer.

Last night I saw few of my lovely besties. They were headed out to the club, I passed...on what sounds like was a great night. I headed over a few hours before they left to catch up and attempted to assist in making them more beautiful than they already are. I didn't go because...it was an all white party, I didn't have much to wear and..I couldn't spare $20 for a ticket out of my budget (14 days til pay dayyyy!!!!).

I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow amazingly...this is my last full week of summer school! Finally. A friend of mine is coming to visit me this week, so I'm highly anticipating their arrival :)

I'm relieved to know the weather here is finally drifting away from the 100+ degrees a week or so ago. I know it's summer but...that was like hell! Maybe I can make it back to the pool this week without roasting.

Okay. I think I'm done here. It's Sunday that means Post Secret.

ciao.

so close

Adrianne here. Newly 19. First, thank you all for the nice and wonderful and kind birthday wishes. Each of them made me smile :)

My birthday went pretty well, despite trying to clean my room at home to accomodate all of my stuff from here at school. I spent most of my birthday with my family and family friends which was simple and sweet. My and my big sis finally got to club together and we had a great time although I was probably the youngest person in the club ;) Spent a great afternoon with some wonderful people Sunday, and I'm getting more and more ready for summer.

I'm so closed to the end of school, my last exam is on Thursday and I will be pulling out of Charlotte as sooooooooooooooooooooon as I get out of my exam. I feel like there is nothing really here keeping me, but I am excited about a magazine me and a friend will be doing next year for our Black Student Union, pretty excited about that. It's kinda weird having all my stuff split between two places, i'm missing alot of my undies...I hope I left them at home this weekend.

Can't wait for the Glow in the Dark Tour, it's coming to Raleigh Friday!!!! I'm beyond excited, every review I read and hear from my friends who have already gone seems out of this world.

Today I got phone calls from Gayle King, Stevie Wonder, and Barack Obama himself. I don't even remember giving the campain my cell, but apparently I did, which was a bad decision. I tried to early vote last week, but didn't have my school ID...thus couldn't vote, bc I'm registered at home and my school ID would be proof of my residence in Charlotte. Tried to go today with my school ID, but they told me no. On the actual day I have to vote in my precinct, and I forgot to do an absentee ballot while I was home. Which stinks. I really feel bad...I'm one of those people who believes every single vote counts. It really does when you think about it. O well. Maybe I'll call Obama back and apologize. (Update: Obama won NC without my vote!!!!)

Starting my new job Monday morning at 8:30 am sharp. Excited, yet nervous a little.

This is kinda of random, but I never really liked (or had much taste) in people who stayed on Facebook and MySpace and everything else and never even glanced at the news. For instance, my roommate had no idea what was going on with the Olympic Torch, nor that Olympics was even going on this year. I wonder does she know if it's a leap year or even election year? Anyways...

For those who don't know...there was a HUGE cyclone in Myanmar last week. The current death toll is 22,000 and currently 41,00 people are missing. Imagine your whole town wiped out. Or your best friend long lost...possibly indefinitely. Truthfully, I had to look up Myanmar to see where it was. It's in Asia. I know it's miles and days away from where both you and me are, but just think about stability and safety we often take for granted and be thankful for them. A prayer for the people of Burma would be nice too.

Today I am thankful for:

the beautiful weather

a heavenly nap I had after my morning exam and time to actually nap and relax

feeling like me and my best friend can never have enough time to tell each other good news

my sis! she's so cool. i will miss her much

my ability to be patient, and not take things so damn seriously anymore

ciao.

'til death do us part.

Those are some strong words. I think our society hears that phrase so much, that few people really think about them before they say them, and most of the time when it comes for a couple to break, they regret saying it in the first place.
I was watching a movie a few weeks ago...who knows what movie it was, there was a wedding scene. I think I was having one of those days where I was uber emotional and the newly weds-to be said this and I kinda got a little choked up. Not that I haven't said it already, those are some strong words; to say to another human being, to say in front of your family and friends and most importantly, under a vow of God.
Maybe I'm just a little too much of a realist, but to me, those words are literal. Only death is to separate you and your spouse. That means amongst the fights, the bickering and just the plain sick of each other. And of course, everyone knows most relationships endure their appropriate amount of disagreements. But "until death do us part" also encompasses...the sicknesses, the money problems and even the infidelity. And by committing to that, you're committing to being there all the way.
I know this is kinda impractical when you look at it, but last night on Grey's' Anatomy, this guy married his love interest after only 10 days. The woman was estatic because he was gorgeous, rich and caring, while she on the other hand was a "trashy waitress." To make a long story short, it turns out that the man had a brain tumor which prompted him to make quick decisions...in which marrying the woman at the spur of the moment was a prime example. What would you do if your husband married you by accident?
Remember Terry (whatever her last name??!) who was a paralyzed vegetable in the hospital for over 8 years? Her husband fought and fought to get her life support shut down so she could just die. What do you do when your husband is terminally ill and he can no longer function or he is in miserable pain? Does "'til death do us part" still matter?
And possibly the worst of them all: What if your spouse cheats on you? Or what if you just...fall outta love?
It's no secret that our society has fallen off when it comes to values. That is...American society, at least. The current rate for divorce is 50%. That means either your or your best friend's marriage will not last.
I'll only be 19 next week and I know right now marriage seems far in the distance, and when I've previously given thought to marriage...it scares me. Marriage does some blissful, but I've never thought marriage as something carefree and easy. I know I wouldn't even think about marrying someone whom I wasn't disgustingly obsessively over the top heels everything in love with, but just thinking about committing my entire life to someone is a serious commitment.

Could you say those words to someone and really mean it?

one day i will.

just a thought. have a great weekend.

my life.

"I had been running
Running on this path
Knew it to be small and rugged
However, I wanted to go on this path.
So I was running

running

running on this path and I saw an opening

And I was glad

Relieved

I believed

Believed there would be joy

For me

There

So I was running

running

running on this path

And in the distance

I could see

Light

Excited

I kept running

running

running on this path

And when I arrived

There were stairs"

jill scott.

Hello Spring.

I'm pretty sure a new season started this week. I thought spring started Friday, but my sister corrected me and told me it actually started on the 20th. I don't know, I thought my calender said the 21st.
Regardless, its a new season.

As corny as it sounds...I can definetly relate to Mother Earth because it seems as if I'm entering a new season. Its safe to say that I'm currently or have been experiencing a transition in my life. Over the past few months, a myriad of things have occured in my life. Health, family, relationships, school...all of it. Not here to whine or complain because things in my world have been going very well and I'd hate for anything to change.It seems as 2008 is going to be a good year. I can't believe we're almost 4 months in. Its crazy. I started the year off in a new atmosphere. New dorm/suitemates because my previous situation was just toxic. I remember many nights crying my eyes out, or starring at the clock and ceiling for hours staright. I have very few good memories in 128C. But, thank God I'm now in a much more positive environment which has definetly been a blessing.

College is definitely an experience. Everyone I run into his preparing to start college I always tell them 'you gotta be in the right mind to be in college. ' Don't know what you think, but I believe its very true. People are crazy, and at the vulnerable age of 18 it seems like sane people sometimes just flock to crazy, idiotic people.

I have definetly learned the value of friendship or lack there of. I think I can count people I would call my friends at Charlotte on one hand and still have fingers left over. Its not that I haven't had time to meet people, I've meet quite a few but....just can't give time and energy and my fabulous friendship to anyone who could care less. I'ts life. I've learned a lot. I see my 6 beautiful girls from home together prob once every two months. And at this point in my life, it satisfies me. Hurts to say bye, but I know those girls will have my back to the end, and they're always a phone call or BB message away :)

At one point this semester, my two best friends didn't want to have anything to do with me...for a month. No contact no nothing. It felt like hell. Things are still unstable with one but the other seems to be on track to be better than before. Guess it makes you appreciate relationships more. Good ones, at least.


Scary to realize people you think would always be there for you, won't. Never thought it would happen to me. Its been quite a few months since an argument with a friend, who has since has given me the very cold shoulder. Zero contact. As stated earlier many times, lifes too short...especially to hold grudges. I just continue to do my best to pump positive energy into this world, just pray about it. That usually helps. The whole situation is just very weird...


The most profound thing I've learned about is my parents. I love them to death, and that's an understatement. Parents are people. That's one thing I've learned since I've been in college. My parents just make me really upset sometimes. I guess people will never meet up to your expectations, especially those you really care about and love, but it hurts when your parents don't. Long story in short, I've been preparing to transfer to another college next year that is a PERFECT fit for my academic goals. My parents, don't agree, and at one point decided I wouldn't be going even if I was accepted. That hurt. They claimed I need to stay another year in Charlotte, I'm doing good here and my new school is more expensive, and something about me having a social life (whhha? Yea right. ) Like my parents really care about me having a social life. I guess everyone is entitled to make mistakes but sometimes I look at my parents and really say, "seriously?!" I really don't agree with some of the things my parents do nowadays but I know it could be alot worse.

I could probably go on and on talking about the things in the past year that have bothered me the most and those that didn't even phase me.


When I started this blog, only 4 people read it. That I knew of at least...I'm beginning to think its a little bit more than the original 4, actually probabaly minus one of those...reading lately lol. I know sometimes I write some crazy stuff up here but, I've always found it easier to write what I'm feeling or thinking...at least in certain sitations.

My 19th birthday is quickly approaching and despite all the crazy, mind-boggling, heart-aching things I've seen and experienced in the last few years, I just continue to be grateful.




"hurts me to see you feel this way
but it won't be always
don't know you know everything's got to change?
...don't you know, patience is a virtue
life is a waiting game
peace must be nurtured"
seasons change.corinne bailey rae

ides of march.

Today is March 15th.

The Ides of March.

and still, who would have thought?




In case you didn't know...

forever moves alot faster than you think.

Amazingly still...

I'm really tired. I haven't doing much strenuous work, but something is just making me feel exhausted. Maybe since I slept until past 11 today, that's late for me.

Nevertheless, I did find out that there are still good people in the world.

Part 1:
So, my car has been acting a damn fool. I turn the ignition and nothing comes on, no dashboard lights, no sounds nothing. Then...5 minutes later it starts. I'm pretty sure I briefly mentioned this yesterday, but to be continued...today I really had to get it checked out because I can't be on spring break with no car. That just makes no sense. Thus, I took my Hondie to Advance Auto Parts to get my battery tested because I figured one of two things, 1.my battery was close to dead and 2. my starter/alternator was fried. "Sam" at AAP tested my battery and it was actually very healthy, the connection fuse thing was dirty and corroded so that's why my battery was acting funny. Sam told me they "weren't supposed to do this" but he went inside and rolled out this big utility box and treated my battery to a nice clean up and even put connector protector (a.k.a. magic jelly to me) on the fuse. In all...he only charged me $2.09 for the fix. Can't complain. I said Thank you probably ten times, because I really appreciated it. As I drove off...I thought "there are still good people in the world."

Part 2:
I left the Advance Auto Parts to head to the mall...to get this really cute dressed that I spotted this weekend. I knew I would look up in a few weeks and think, "That dress would look so wonderful on me" so I figured what the heck...go get it. I cruise to the mall, head to the upper level parking deck because I wanted to run in and out the mall and not be tempted to go anywhere else. I park quick...very quick and happen to bump a car as a swung in. It made a very loud sound. Matter of fact, I thought..."I just hit the %$#* outta that car." This has happened one time before. I left the scene and later my dad saw the uh-oh on my bumper and fussed me slam out.
As I was pulling in... I saw this lady walking to the car. Of course, this lady was sent to straight into my life today from Nosey Woman world. I parked beside the car, and got ready to get out and examine the damage. I think for a minute and assess the situation in my head. (Had a little Donnel Jones moment..."Do I leave? Do I stay? Do I go??!)I look up in my rearview and this old hag is already writing down my tags. Great. So, I get out the car and look at the van that I bumped. Basically...all I did was scuff the tire. The Nosey Hag pulls over and is staring at me. I'm like...Woman, I'm going to leave a note (I'm thinking..."wait am i?) And Nosey Hag is just like....well, its up to your conscience. I'm not gonna lie...this lady was of Caucasion Persuasion, so I'm sure she thought I was another stealing and lying and cheating black "girl", you could see it all over her face. I asked her for some paper...she only had napkins, so I went to my car and faked a letter so she would be pleased to see me writing. Whatever, I'm anticipating a phone call from Raleigh Police Department any minute truthfully. I placed a blank napkin under the car's windshield.

Part 3:
As I walk in the mall, I call a friend and ask for their advice. "No comment." Thanks...friend. I try on the dress just in case because I really didn't want to come back to the mall anytime soon anyways. I'm trying on the dress and thinking about the cussing out my dad gave me last time I attempted a hit and run. Buy the dress..exit the mall, whatever. I get to my car and think, "Hmm...did I check out MY car?" No, I didn't. I walk around the front of my precious Hondie and see the front signal dangling out its socket. And...the scuff from the first bump has been amplified times 139804284. So clearly, I got most of the damage. I'm like %#$! it...I'm not leaving a note, the damage wasn't even that bad to the other car. If it had happened to my car, I woulda been like o...that's new. Jammed my light back in and get on the road.
I'm driving...and I keep seeing all these police and people in black from head to toe and I'm thinking that Nosey Hag called the cops on me already. I realize I'm tripping and just keep going.
Then I start thinking...what about the nice guy that helped me today at Advance Auto Parts? He did a good job for me, so maybe I should pay it forward? I should be honest and just leave a real note. What if I just leave the number of this old ho I don't like? What if they really are upset about the scuffed tire?!?! What if I go back to school next week and my parents call me fussing me out asking why the police is calling them?!
I turn around.
Then I think...what if the car isn't even there anymore? (I had driven like...5 miles) I go back and leave a note that is something like

"Minivan Owner, I overturned on my parking job and accidentally bumped your car. I didn't see much damage but, if something comes up please call ( my number here)"

I felt alot better on my way back home. So I amazingly still...there are still nice, honest people in the world.

Part 4:

I couldn't never commit a real crime.

But...honorable mention to Donnel Jones. This song has always been one of my TOP favs...funny how songs become so ironic years later?

watch this

Before I begin...I'm really ready to go home. I haven't been home since January, and that's a really long time for me. Haven't seen my Mom, or my sister, or my best friends. My dad came up for a weekend about 3 weeks ago, so that was better than nothing.

I know I'm really ready to go home because all week I've been waking up and sticking my hand out to touch the wall, which is what I always do at home when I can't sleep or I wake up in the middle of the night a bit delirious. And... I know I really miss home when I'm sitting around studying or doing something and I think of all these random roads in Raleigh or Garner that I haven't been to in a long time. It's really weird.

Anyways, I've been holding back. I watched this really good movie a while ago, and I've been meaning to write a post on it. I thought about it again because last night I was at IHOP with two guys and I was asking them when was the last time they cried. Me, being very emotional, I was surprised I couldn't remember my last boo-hoo, but I realized I did cry watching the movie, The Bucket List. I never understood why boys thought crying was so bad and had admitting it. I mean, guys cry. I know that.

So back to the movie. The Bucket List is about two guys, played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Both characters are diagnosed with cancer, terminal cancer and are given about 6 months to live. On top of all this, both patients are living together in the same hospital room per the hospital's policy which ironically Jack Nicholson (forgot his name in the movie) owns the hospsital.

Morgan Freeman's character is a blue collar worker, who has an unbelievable amount of knowledge about...pretty much everything. Watch the movie and you'll never be able to watch Jeopardy the same. Futhermore, Nicholson is obviously rolling in the money and pretty much built his empire of nothing and his hardwork. Obviously, these two strangers come from completly different backgrounds and our facing the end of their lives together.

Together, they make a "bucket list," which includes everything they want to to before they "kick the bucket."

I know it may sounds cheesy, but it really makes you think about really living life to it's fullest and getting things right with your life, people, and past circumstances before time is up. The movie is absolutely beautiful....the pair travels from France to Africa to Australia. Both Nicholson and Freeman are award winning actors, and they do an amazing job making you laugh, cry and definetly think.

They ask the question, "If someone could tell you the exact date of your death would you want to know?" Over 90% said No..but I'll let you decide for yourself, I think I made up my mind.

I think this movie hit home for me becuase I had an Uncle who died from cancer almost a year and a half ago, and my Grandfather spent quite alot of time in the hospital before he passed last year. Even more close, my little cousin is extremely ill in the hospital at the tiny age of 3. She hasn't even lived a quarter of her life yet.

If I was diagnosed with a terminal disease tomorrow, I probably wouldn't have the chance to see the world and do everything I wanted to because I don't have the money...but I would do to the best of my ability to continue to appreciate the good things and people in my life I do have. Thank God I'm in fairly good health and my mind is still intact, at least most of the time.

The movie got fairly decent reviews...but I think it's worth watching. If you don't think it's worth it just remember: Life is short. Pray hard.

The Bucket List. Not sure if it's out on DVD yet, but you can watch it free here.